Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
