She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
