please come you make the beer taste better
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
