how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Found your dick twin last night
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
