You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
