he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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