I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
