i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
