so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
