We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Randomize
