I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
