I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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