i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
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