You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
