i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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