My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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