her vagine was all disorganized.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
