First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
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