I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
