I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
We need a shit load of segways right now
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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