He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
