Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I didn't notice because vodka
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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