His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
