The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I will pee on everything he values.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
