ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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