I was born with a shot glass in my hand
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
You're a waste of cheezeits
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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