I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
