Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
