I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
