well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
