who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Randomize
