Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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