yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
