i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
