Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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