friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
