I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
