Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
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