if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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