I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
