planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
