Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
