What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
