Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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