Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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