I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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