I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
