So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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