He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
