I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
