My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Randomize
